I am tearing up as I write this, it is not easy even after a couple of years. But I wanted to share this with you in hopes that if anyone has recently gone through a miscarriage or is experiencing one now, they can know they are not alone.
We were ten weeks pregnant. Just a few weeks before we were jumping with excitement as we read our pregnancy test, it was positive and our family was growing. I thought about whether or not it was a boy or girl, what he/she would look like, what kind of person he/she would be. But it turned out our family wasn't growing for very long. At my ten week checkup my husband and I were excited and ready for any news that the doctor could give us about this little one. Any news except for what was given to us. I sat there numb as the doctor told us I was in the middle of a miscarriage. She let me know we could go out the back way and we could stay in the room as long as we needed to. I cried so hard after the doctor closed the door behind her. The ten minutes we spent collecting ourselves to leave that office was some of the hardest moments of my life. It felt like an eternity. I had never felt so numb. Never felt so broken.
Right before the checkup we had decided to tell our friends and family. This is the letter I sent to them to let them know:
"I come writing today with news I wish I didn’t have to write. I went to the doctor’s today to find out that we had lost the baby. I wish I had the strength to tell you all in person, but it is easier on me emotionally to let you know through this. Please pray for me as I am going through a hard time emotionally. I am however, so thankful for the Lord’s comfort during this hard time, and the power of his calming presence in my life, even now. Although it will take me a couple of days to feel this in my heart, I know that this is all part of God’s plan as hard as that is to come to terms with. But I am comforted in knowing that the Lord is there comforting me at every moment. Although I have sadness in my heart I can still feel the Joy that the Father has placed in my heart. I could not go through this without Him. Also, I am so thankful for the friends I have made here in Fort Worth. They didn’t wait even a moment to ask if we need any help, from bringing dinner to asking to spend some time with me, to the prayers that I know are being lifted up as we speak. Life would be much harder without those friendships. And to my precious husband, who has been so wonderful to me today, giving me so much comfort and support and helping me stay strong. Please pray for me, this is especially hard because we are going home for Christmas on Monday. Thank you so much for your prayers."
It was so true. The next few weeks were some of the hardest for me. But I was so thankful that through it all I knew the Lord was in control and even in my weakest moments I always had the Joy of Christ within me. And I believe that was what carried me through this time.
When I started talking about this with other women and my close married friends I quickly realized I was not alone in this. I heard dozens and dozens of stories from people I was close to, about when they lost their baby at 12 weeks, 10 weeks, 5 weeks and so on. It amazed me just how many women had experienced this, and how I would have never known if I had not been through it myself.
Looking back and thinking about it, I don't think I will ever forget our little one. Although we have a wonderful 14 month old son now and couldn't be happier, when my due date for that little baby comes around in July I always think about him/her. Think about whether it was a boy or girl and thank Jesus for taking care of my little one until we meet in heaven.
I wanted to recommend a book to anyone who is going through this, a friend gave it to me and it was extremely helpful. It's called "Grieving the Child I Never Knew" By: Kathe Wunnenburg. It will help you process the pain slowly in a healthy way. I higly recommend it. And if you need someone to just pray for you please write me and let me know. I would love to do that for you. I know this isn't the most cheerful post but I do hope that someone somewhere will read this and know they are not alone. That many many women have gone through this, and although it won't stop the pain, sometimes it's just good to know your not alone.