Thoughts on a Miscarriage.

I am tearing up as I write this, it is not easy even after a couple of years. But I wanted to share this with you in hopes that if anyone has recently gone through a miscarriage or is experiencing one now, they can know they are not alone.

We were ten weeks pregnant. Just a few weeks before we were jumping with excitement as we read our pregnancy test, it was positive and our family was growing. I thought about whether or not it was a boy or girl, what he/she would look like, what kind of person he/she would be. But it turned out our family wasn't growing for very long. At my ten week checkup my husband and I were excited and ready for any news that the doctor could give us about this little one. Any news except for what was given to us. I sat there numb as the doctor told us I was in the middle of a miscarriage. She let me know we could go out the back way and we could stay in the room as long as we needed to. I cried so hard after the doctor closed the door behind her. The ten minutes we spent collecting ourselves to leave that office was some of the hardest moments of my life. It felt like an eternity. I had never felt so numb. Never felt so broken.

Right before the checkup we had decided to tell our friends and family. This is the letter I sent to them to let them know:

"I come writing today with news I wish I didn’t have to write. I went to the doctor’s today to find out that we had lost the baby. I wish I had the strength to tell you all in person, but it is easier on me emotionally to let you know through this. Please pray for me as I am going through a hard time emotionally. I am however, so thankful for the Lord’s comfort during this hard time, and the power of his calming presence in my life, even now. Although it will take me a couple of days to feel this in my heart, I know that this is all part of God’s plan as hard as that is to come to terms with. But I am comforted in knowing that the Lord is there comforting me at every moment. Although I have sadness in my heart I can still feel the Joy that the Father has placed in my heart. I could not go through this without Him. Also, I am so thankful for the friends I have made here in Fort Worth. They didn’t wait even a moment to ask if we need any help, from bringing dinner to asking to spend some time with me, to the prayers that I know are being lifted up as we speak. Life would be much harder without those friendships. And to my precious husband, who has been so wonderful to me today, giving me so much comfort and support and helping me stay strong. Please pray for me, this is especially hard because we are going home for Christmas on Monday. Thank you so much for your prayers."

It was so true. The next few weeks were some of the hardest for me. But I was so thankful that through it all I knew the Lord was in control and even in my weakest moments I always had the Joy of Christ within me. And I believe that was what carried me through this time.

When I started talking about this with other women and my close married friends I quickly realized I was not alone in this. I heard dozens and dozens of stories from people I was close to, about when they lost their baby at 12 weeks, 10 weeks, 5 weeks and so on. It amazed me just how many women had experienced this, and how I would have never known if I had not been through it myself.

Looking back and thinking about it, I don't think I will ever forget our little one. Although we have a wonderful 14 month old son now and couldn't be happier, when my due date for that little baby comes around in July I always think about him/her. Think about whether it was a boy or girl and thank Jesus for taking care of my little one until we meet in heaven.

I wanted to recommend a book to anyone who is going through this, a friend gave it to me and it was extremely helpful. It's called "Grieving the Child I Never Knew" By: Kathe Wunnenburg. It will help you process the pain slowly in a healthy way. I higly recommend it. And if you need someone to just pray for you please write me and let me know. I would love to do that for you. I know this isn't the most cheerful post but I do hope that someone somewhere will read this and know they are not alone. That many many women have gone through this, and although it won't stop the pain, sometimes it's just good to know your not alone.

Why I Chose To Breastfeed.

Disclaimer: I know this is a very sensitive subject for a lot of women. I want you to know I am writing this for moms who are trying to decide on breastfeeding or formula who would like to hear why I chose what I did. In NO way is this post supposed to make mothers who choose formula or were not able to breastfeed feel as if they are bad mothers. You are NOT bad mothers and I do not think that for one second.  (Oh, and you won't be seeing a picture on this post for obvious reasons.)

Phew, Now that I got that out of the way let me share with you why I chose breastfeeding for my son and why I will continue to breast feed if God blesses me with more children.

It wasn't a hard choice for me at first to breastfeed. I was surrounded by people who were already doing it and I attended a breastfeeding class that explained to me just how good it was for the baby to be drinking mother's milk. I didn't do a lot of "maybe I should, maybe I shouldn't" before hand because I knew that this was what I wanted to do. And these reasons made it clear to me that it I was making the right decision for my son:

Baby Benefits
*Perfect Nutrition
*Less chance for SIDS, diabetes, leukemia, diarrhea and other illnesses/diseases
*Stronger Teeth
*Bonding and closeness for mother and baby

Mother Benefits
*Convenience- You don't need to take a bottle and powder, and figure out how to warm it, etc. You just find a place nurse and it's quick and easy.
*Decreased chance of breast cancer (read about this here)

But really the main reason I chose to breastfeed is really quite simple.  I made this decision because I firmly believe it is what God created us to do. He provided milk for us to give to our babies and if that wasn't necessary He would not have done it. I know that God created the perfect nutrition for my son, and it would be better for him then any store bought or man made item. It came down for me an issue of  trusting in God, that this was the right thing because this was how He designed us, how He created us to be. And after all was said and done and spoken about, it came down to this simple fact as to why I chose to breastfeed.

I hoped this has helped some of you on your decision as whether or not to breastfeed. If you do choose to breastfeed do know that you will have difficult times and you will want to quit, I did a few times for some very good reasons. But I overcame those hardships and it always made me feel so good that I was strong enough to do so. I plan on writing a few posts on specific things I struggled with in the future so if your breastfeeding please come back and read them, as I am sure you will experience at least one if not all. If you have any questions or ideas for posts on breastfeeding please let me know. But also know that there are many amazing, incredible moments with your child that would never been able to happen if you had not chosen this option.

I remember when I was nursing my son for the last time one night. I laid him in bed and turned off the light, gave him kisses and left the room. I immediately started crying. And I was crying for two reasons. One because that was it. The chapter of my sons life was over and he would not need me in that way anymore. But second it was because I did it. I chose to struggle through the hardships, to enjoy the closeness I had with my son during that time, to find places I could go to while I was shopping when he was hungry. I made it through the 45 minutes or longer first feeds, the feeding strikes, the teething, and the biting and I felt like I had given my son the best start through my sacrifices and the struggles I encountered. I felt strong. I felt accomplished. I felt proud. And I would have never wanted to change those feelings for all the world.

New Moms: Do You Have a Mom Support Group?

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When I was pregnant last year I was incredibly thankful for the mothers that were all around me with a wealth of knowledge and understanding of all things baby. They were women who didn't mind getting questions like "Should I take a child birth class?", "Is labor as really as awful as it seems?" and so on.

I just want to share with you today how important it is to have a mommy mentor if you are a first time mom.

I know many moms look to their own moms for guidance, information and hands-on help on a daily basis. But if you're like me and you live hours from you mother it is so important to connect yourself with another mom or group of moms that can help you during a very new and emotional time in your life.

When I was pregnant with my little guy I had several women who lived close to me and went to my church that I would ask questions about everything. And it didn't stop there. Once my son was born I was given so much advice from breastfeeding to doctor recommendations to sleeping through the night tricks. And the reasons my mom wasn't the one to be asked these questions(although I did send quite a few her way over the phone) was because these girls were with me. They could look at my son and they could be over within 20 minutes if needed. My mom was miles away from where I lived and while those phone calls we had were very precious to me the support group I had right around the corner from me was priceless.

At first I felt like I was a burden to these women. But over time and much persistence by them (thank goodness), I became quite comfortable with these women mentoring me, loving me, and giving me a break occasionally when I was covered in spit up, was up all night and I just needed a shower.

When my little man was four months old we packed up everything we owned and moved overseas for a ministry position that we accepted as a family in Japan. I had to say goodbye to all the women who were there for me. Who I became close with. Who had walked me through one of the hardest times of my life. It wasn't easy and I had no idea what was waiting for me on the other side.

The second day I was in my new home overseas my now good great friend was there to help me with all things baby here in Japan. Our children are just a month apart and it was wonderful to have that friendship right away. I also had another mom who had two children older than mine who I talked to on the phone and got together with several times. Although my support group here is not as big as the ones in Texas these women have been such a blessing to my life and continue to make being a mom so much easier.

As a new mom you need people in your life like this to encourage you when you feel like it's too hard, to help you when you just feel like you can't continue, and to love on you when you are feeling like a failure. If you're a mom who has "been there done that" you're needed too. Find a new mom you can help and begin serving her, loving on her and helping her so one day she'll be able to the same for someone else.